My initial reaction to The Times article on Hannah Neeleman, who is better known as @ballerinafarm on TikTok, was the same as the rest of the young girls who convinced me to read the article in the first place. After seeing only two videos about the article, I hunkered down on my kitchen counter and decided to dedicate the next 5 minutes to the story. I stood there and read the way this young woman left her home as a teen to become a Julliard ballerina, only to be quickly swept away by a manipulative, corrupt man and stripped of that life and dream she had.
By the end of the story, tears were running embarrassingly down my face. ‘God, this poor girl’ was the only thought I could form. It broke me to think that she had to give up her dreams and, at the time, her current reality for a man’s fantasy. Filled with hatred for Neeleman’s husband, which was only fueled by social media content I was being fed, I spiraled into a disdain for the nuclear family and all that enveloped it—motherhood, the sacrifice for children, all of it.
Then, I took a step back.
Do I even know this woman or her story? Sure, I heard one person’s telling of it, but really, how accurate is that? For days I went on complaining to my parents and friends about how depressing and bleak such a life must be. I contemplated writing something on motherhood and how, inspired by Neeleman’s story, mothers never seem to keep their own needs, wants, and dreams they had prior to having children. What I didn’t consider is that having children may very well be included in said needs, wants, and dreams.
Chrissy Horton, a motherhood-focused influencer, popped up on my for you page and offered some insight that my childless seventeen-year-old self would have never considered; dreams can change. Alongside this idea, Horton’s video goes through and addresses many other popular concerns that the article has brought up: Hannah’s epidural; her pre-mom dreams; and Daniel, Hannah's husband, butting into all of Hannah’s comments. From there, Horton goes on to offer realistic reasons as to why events such as the epidural had occurred as well as outlining the important idea that people and their goals are likely to change over time. She seems to clear up almost all the negative assumptions made about Neeleman's current life by social media, providing another angle on it—one that is rooted in Horton’s understanding and experiences as a mother.
After hearing another side of the story, I believe it would be hypocritical of me to do a 180 and jump on how Horton views it. However, Horton’s is still an important view to be heard, one which these young women who put out such negative responses don’t yet have as childless individuals. Of course, I still hold concerns over aspects of the story (such as the timeliness of the marriage) but that is cleared up, or more understood, by their Mormon background, which is a whole other topic of conversation. Not believing everything you see, as cliche as it is, is what I gained from that whiplash of events.
I went back in for a quick reread of the article now with Megan Agnew’s, the author of the Times article, bias in mind. With that, the skewed angle becomes apparent. That goes without saying that something can always be gained from a source, as long as the credibility and bias are put into question. Both Agnew and Horton, despite coming from opposing sides of the scale, offer important points to consider not just about Neeleman, but on our assumptions of people as a whole. Even if Agnew’s journalism was impartial, something the article majorly lacked, we still wouldn’t know Hannah Neeleman. Sometimes we find out that we don't even know people we’ve been around for years, so why is it so hard to fathom the idea that one article about an influencer cannot tell the whole story?
Critical thinking may have been thrown out the door when it came to this article, but I don’t think that is the only reason people were so quick to fall in line with Agnew’s views. From what I saw, the people who spoke out about this article were always women aged anywhere from their teens to their late 20s. Being a member of that bracket and one who also immediately nosedived into the "save the Trad-Wife" narrative, I was inclined to reevaluate my ideas on motherhood and the grief I felt for mothers. My thoughts on motherhood were, and still are, simply forged through what I have heard in person and online, but despite two sources of information I still couldn’t help but be pulled in by the TikTok poetry that slams the act of becoming a mom. I indulged in the notion that a woman’s life ends when she becomes a mother, her priority no longer herself, but her children, at least in the case of a good mother. When I asked my own mother about the conviction she simply said, “We tell women that we can have it all. You can’t be a top physician and a good mother, sacrifices are made, they have to be.” As appreciative her words had made me of what she has given up for me and my siblings, it also lobbed a belief I refuse to accept right at my face. Doesn’t that idea limit women then? How do I know where to draw the line between my dreams, wants, and reality if that is the case?
To me, it sounded like all my hopes for my future were sliced right through when I decided to be a mom. Trying to think logically about the idea only had me asking a much more general question; with every single choice you’ve ever made, you give up the other million options, so if something is given up with every choice, why is what women give up to be mothers such a big deal?
Big picture, the sacrifice seems to match up, the trade to bring life into the world and raise it isn’t expected to be minor, but when applied to what I have seen about motherhood, the trade sounds as if I will have to trade my girlhood for my child’s. Surrounded by this narrative, I couldn’t help but pity women who prioritize motherhood. Despite my ability to recognize the differences in women’s aspirations, I couldn’t understand it. By holding my own values too close to my chest, I couldn’t imagine anyone else wanting something other than what I defined as freedom. Even now, after much reflection, I find it hard to see past what I feel in my chest towards this topic. Yet, it still stands, no one other than Hannah Neeleman will know the reality of her situation, nor how she feels about it. I do, however, understand that even our own feelings can only tell us so much and the ability to see beyond the monochrome portrayals of women's lives and dreams may sometimes have to come from our heads instead of our hearts.
Most of us know what we want (or at least what we don’t) and shouldn’t feel the shame of others weighing us down on chasing those hopes. It seems that in hopes of reversing all the wrong we have done to women in the past, we have taken it a couple of steps too far, near the point of looping right back around. It shouldn’t be a crazy idea that a woman wants to remain unmarried and prioritize her fancy attorney position, the same with a woman who wants to have kids and live a stay-at-home life. It all lies in the ability to choose, that is what gives the action power.
Olivia Woitach
Contributor to Project Invisible String
August 2, 2024
Comments